Weighed Down by Weight

“Big fat Chinese girl!” he said as he rode past me on his bike. I was 8 and it was the first time anyone had every commented on my size. I ran home and jumped into my mom’s lap, crying and too ashamed to tell her the reason why. Later I thought, “I’m not Chinese…” but allowed the “fat” comment to add weight to my body image (issues). No one said anything else about my size until I was 10, and at that time, it was the people I loved.

5th Grade

“Don’t you want to wear this dress someday?”

“You can’t buy that t-shirt, it shows the lines on your back.”

“I’ll pay you $100 if you can lose 10lbs by the end of the summer.”

“You don’t want to play softball. You’re not athletic.”

“You would be so pretty if…”

Freshman year of college... still in the
sweatshirt phase!

I know that the comments were made out of love and concern but they continued to chip away at my confidence. Because of them, I felt discouraged about my ability to get healthy. In middle school, I never pushed myself in P.E. class. In high school I wore sweatshirts every day, no matter the temperature. (“Aren’t you hot?” they said. With sweat running down my face, I lied, “No, I’m not.”)

In college, free from all of those comments and in spite of being a prime example of “the freshman 15,” I started to rebuild my confidence. I began taking PE classes for fun! I sometimes went to the gym, and I got involved with a Scottish Country Dance Group. By the end of college I was feeling pretty good about myself then…

They couldn't find one that fit and ended up
awkwardly pinning this one.

I moved to S. Korea where the average woman is significantly smaller in size and build compared to the average American woman. I am certainly aware of the pressure in America to be thin. In Korea that pressure is multiplied 10 fold! So, although  the pressure to lose weight wasn't coming from my loved ones this time, it was everywhere around me. It was completely inescapable. For a year I avoided scales knowing that the number on the scale was getting higher and higher every day. The confidence I had built in college didn't stand a chance because by the time I finally did weigh myself, I was the heaviest I had ever been. Here was that weight, weighing me down again. Eventually, at the very end of my first year in Korea, a friend convinced me to to go the gym with her. It was a small gym full of middle-aged Korean ladies wearing scandalous aerobics costumes. I loved it! Who wouldn't? So, I continued to go there through my second year. However no amount of being at the gym was going to do anything without clear goals. 

Every New Years, I would make the resolution to “lose weight.” Or, “exercise more.” Or “eat less.” And every year, I failed. I realize in hindsight that my goals were too vague! What I mean by that is, if your goal is to “eat less.” What does that mean exactly and how will you know that you achieved it? If I can say, concretely “I did it!” on the exact moment I achieved something, I feel accomplished! My second year in Korea I set my first achievable fitness goal which was to “Run a 10 minute mile before the end of my 2^nd year in Korea.” On that last day, of my 2^nd year, I did it and it felt great! Since then, I have set and achieved multiple fitness goals!

“Run 5 miles in less than 55mins.”

“Get a gym membership.”

“Finish season 1 of Zombies, Run!”

I learned how to cook!

Keto Results!

2 years ago I made the goal to try a ketogenic diet (extremely low carb, 

high fat) for 1 month. It was hard at first, but by the middle of the month I was really in the swing of it, and by the end of the month I knew that I wanted to continue eating keto. I ended up sticking with keto until last autumn when I realized that while I had lost a lot of weight, my fitness ability was lacking. I didn’t have the workout stamina that I used to have. It was disappointing because I was never aiming for skinny; my aim was always to be athletic!

Last fall I worked on reintroducing carbs while watching my portion sizes. I also walking a lot and went running a couple times a week. It worked! I kept the weight off and felt stronger! Until... 

Post run sun absorption! 

     

Bilbo, not being a good
exercise supporter!

Winter. Oh winter… so many wonderful things. Baked goods, holidays, cozy warm apartments and my cuddly cocker spaniel… these things are not conducive to weight loss or maintenance or better overall fitness! It was difficult to find the motivation to push myself during those cold months. 

When spring began, I made some small changes. I started bringing my lunch to work and I walked my dog more often. In June, I stumbled upon a 30 day ab challenge event on facebook. I decided to give it a go and actually, completed it yesterday! On time even! This really reminded me of what it’s like to set a goal and achieve it! This feeling of success inspired me to continue setting myself monthly health goals. When talking with my friend Elle about my July goals, she suggested that I make a blog about making health goals and trying to achieve them. So, here we are! 

Front and side comparisons of before and after the
ab challenge

Also, please excuse the mess!
My friend was packing!

The relationship I have with  my body image has always been complicated. I'm sure that I will always have that chubby little girl inside of me, whispering that I'm still not quite there yet. However, I'm learning to recognize when she's affecting me. I hope that this health challenge helps me form a lot of healthy habits and gives me a healthier body image. 

Soon, I will post the details of the two health challenges I have given myself for the month of July! 

Until then!